Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Well, they say no news is good news: I have never really found that to be true. I have spent a few days not accomplishing much in the way of writing. This is not to say that my "writing life" has been idle...or my hands either. Just to say that I have not produced much--especially in regards to my much lacking fiction section of the portfolio. Here's what I have done: put together several (23) prospective poems for the poetry section of my portfolio (ranging from angsty poems, through nature observations, and even several in poetic forms); asked a trusted reader to read through said selections to help narrow the pieces down to ten;  finished, edited, and printed my entrance essay; printed and filled out my application; ordered two copies of my transcripts from MCLA--not an easy feat, I can tell you, as I loathe bureaucratic bullshit; gotten an email confirming that the funding for this adventure in grad school will, in fact, be in place when the time comes (words fail me to express proper gratitude for this burden lifted); scheduled a visit to campus including a tour and a meeting with both the on-campus coordinator of MFA admissions and the MFA director; given exit exams to my English 100 students (I only have one class's results and they were very disappointing, sadly); and, finally, devastatingly, lost my flashdrive containing my entire life's work including some pieces that are irreplaceable. Sigh. Lesson learned: BACK UP ALL WORK!!! Luckily, I was able to recover 99% of my loss through older versions, a much outdated back up, and old notebooks. I have set a date for myself, a timeline, to have the entire application complete: December 15--incidentally, the very last day of my semester. I had originally said I would have it done by the first of the year; then I decided to move it back to Christmas (a gift to myself); and now I have decided no more playing around. I had a very stern conversation with myself in which I asked the question "Look, do you want this or not? Are you just saying that you do, or do you really?" Finally, the ultimate answer is that I do want it very much, so, like all great ventures, I need to put actual work into it. I was raised by people who believe that there is nothing that cannot be accomplished through hard work and guilt. So that's how I am keeping myself motivated, reminding myself that hard work must actually be done in order to accomplish this goal and guilting myself just enough to keep going. Actually, sickeningly, this blog is part of that guilt: I've laid out a lot of plans here, confessions of my secret desires. And now you are reading it: people who know me. Most of you well enough to actually call me up and say "What the f$@* are you doing: it's December 14, and you haven't finished anything!!!!!" and some of you know me well enough to say that right to my face! That is a lot of people whom I love who will be sorely disappointed in me if I crap out...guilt. Well, maybe it doesn't make that much sense if you don't know me that well...but most of you will understand that perfectly. Sorry to make you accomplices in my own sickening self manipulation, but, hey, it's not as if you have to read my blog.